Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
BRING THE BAGELS
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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