I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
