The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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