Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
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