My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
