does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I want to be your penis for a week.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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