I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
