sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
a search helicopter?!
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
