I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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