My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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