smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
