filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
