i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
