So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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