i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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