I hate your face
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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