im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
