Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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