Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
my phone needs a breathalizer
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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