I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
