Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
