Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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