Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
