Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
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