Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I am never drinking with the goths again.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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