so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
