the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
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