What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Randomize
