Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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