I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
