Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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