I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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