why do cheetos always look like penises
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Randomize
