True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Randomize
