You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
