Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
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