so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Randomize
