i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
