so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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