I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
