I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
