you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
