I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
