I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
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The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
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I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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