There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
