I cannot find my penis.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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