A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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