I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
