people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
