Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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