it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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