Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
