So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
