Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
