I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Randomize
