a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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