I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
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I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
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